Choice Is Power: Redefining Survivors' Empowerment - Grace Catan
You may have a certain picture of empowerment in your head. It could be the incredible bravery of people sharing their stories online within the #MeToo movement or the powerful testimonies of survivors like Aly Raisman and Simone Biles.
But what about a young woman’s choice to withhold details of her experiences from the prying eyes of nosy friends or family members? Would you consider this empowerment?
What about an individual who identifies with the label of “victim” rather than “survivor,” seemingly claiming the opposite of the strength offered by Aly Raisman’s speech empowering her fellow survivors? Would you consider this empowerment?
The truth is that empowerment is not one-size-fits-all. The exact same word may make one person feel empowered and make another person feel entirely powerless. Pressuring someone to discuss their experience when they are not ready or willing can be just as disempowering as forcing them to remain silent. Real empowerment is whatever gives a person agency and returns their power to them.
For a silent survivor, knowing the right terminology can help them do research, find resources, and understand their own experiences better. Hard-to-hear terms like “sexual violence” were instrumental in my journey toward accessing the resources that I need and finding community with others who have had similar experiences. For example, I would not be able to request trauma-informed health providers without first knowing that what I experienced is “enough” to be considered trauma. A survivor would likely find it difficult to search for an anonymous support group without knowing what kind of support group they are looking for. It would be very hard for an individual to find information about their legal protections or local reporting procedures without first being given the terms to use in their search.
In interpersonal relationships, using the terms that a survivor chooses can help them feel seen, understood, and believed. When a person uses a term that I’ve specifically asked them not to use, it imposes another person’s perception of my experiences as more important than the way that I have explained those experiences myself. If a survivor has specifically indicated that they view an event as assault, I believe it is disrespectful to refer to it as an “incident” because this minimizes their experience even if that was not your intention. Likewise, if a survivor has shared that they prefer “softer” terms - such as using the word “offender” instead of “perpetrator - for any reason, this should be respected. We do not know what each survivor is thinking or feeling. They may have a negative association with particular words, or a specific term may feel wrong to them. Again, we should not try to explain someone else’s experiences to them. Follow the survivor’s lead, listen carefully to what they share, and ask what they prefer if you are unsure.
In public forums, terms that may seem “harsh” can help a society acknowledge how serious the issue of sexual violence is, and can reveal the gravity of seemingly “small” actions - such as catcalling or inappropriate jokes - that are actually considered sexual violence. It is slightly more difficult to decide which terms to use online, particularly because we are often writing or speaking to a general audience composed of diverse individuals. However, we can still create space for empowerment and be kind with our language by choosing broad terms when possible and clarifying that our words do not apply to every single situation.
When I was younger, I spent hours searching vague terms on google to try to figure out why I was so distressed by my experiences with sexual violence when it didn’t seem to matter to anyone else. When I finally found the language to describe my experience, it was not pretty. The words “sexual violence” and other similar terms are difficult on the ears, but knowing these terms returned the power and agency back to me. They helped me become more sure that what happened to me was wrong and that it was not my fault. While words that describe violence might seem harsh or distressing, many of these words can actually validate how harsh and distressing sexual violence actually was in a survivor’s life.
After I learned what the violence I experienced was called, I began to identify with the word “victim” because it felt much more validating to me than the word “survivor” for a long time. I looked up to Aly Raisman and loved her essay discussing how she felt that she was not a victim but was a survivor. But the word “victim” helped me describe my experience of still suffering even after the initial violence because I did not yet have the resources or support to fully “escape” what had happened to me. This word gave me the power to seek help in my struggle, and offered me a way to communicate that I experienced something horrible and that this was not okay. Allowing myself to use the word “victim” was empowering for me. This does not mean Raisman was wrong; it only means we are different individuals who have been at different points in our journey.
No one set of words can capture the experiences of survivors and not all survivors will prefer the same terms. The words that each survivor chooses for themself, no matter how hard these terms may be on your ears, can be incredibly empowering.
Those who have experienced sexual violence should not be confined to a particular set of terms, or any terms at all, when they are asked to describe their experiences. As I further explain in another article published in the LA Progressive, self-identification is a tool that can allow an individual to communicate their needs without the pressure of stringent definitions or, again, worrying about whether their experience “counts.” Choosing not to use any label or choosing to keep one's experience private are also examples of valid and potentially empowering decisions.
For the sake of this conversation and these choices, if you are a survivor, you are the most important. A survivor-centered view of empowerment means that we, as survivors, can each choose our own form of empowerment. Whether it is the freedom to be silent when you choose it or the ability to tell the world your story, your version of empowerment is valid. And as allies, supporters, advocates, and friends, we must respect survivors’ agency and allow them to reclaim their power by honoring those choices. Give us the freedom to use our voices. But do not forget to allow us a choice of how and when we use them.
